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Love Before Marriage And Marital Relationship

For good marital relationship, husband and wife have to forget the past events of each other if happened like love affairs before marriage.
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I am presenting in front of you such a problem that has destroyed my mental relaxation and satisfaction. I can neither bear such problem nor can discuss it in front of any one. 

I have got married 5 years back and also I have a son as well. Recently, I did know about that my wife had been involved in a love affair before marriage. I had been loving her very much and she also never given me any chance of complaints. No doubt, we did have some quarrels in our marital life and the basic reason for that is her bossing nature (since she is the only one daughter of her parents and she had been spoiled with their extreme love given to her). 

She is although apparently in love me but since I did know about her previous love affair, I didn't have same level of love with her as it was previously. I have now started to have doubts on her all movements and activities. I am finding difficulty to concentrate and give full attention over my work. I remain sleepless up till many hours during night. At many times I think to divorce her but I am not able to do that, perhaps due to love with her and due to responsibilities of my son and her, possessed by me. The main thing is that since after marriage I have never seen any faithlessness from her side, although I have strong doubts that her previous love could be refreshed by slight stimulation. I want to forgive her from the depth of my heart, but the problem is that I am unable to forget this thing and a lot of things come into my mind. I want to keep her and my son happy even in these conditions. Along with it I have focused my preferences towards other girls and women as well, but I don't get mental relaxation and keep on changing my girl friend. The worst thing of my worry is that at the time of intercourse with her, I don't get erection; even I lose the slight erection and if it would occur, I get failure. I feel myself impotent and think that I would remain same during the rest of my life. 

I request you to give me appropriate advice and provide me certain guidance about the decision of my future. 


You seem very much grieved and the circumstances are really painful and due to that you deserved for mercy. You might think that your ego had been neglected. You have taken deep impact of that on your heart. However; this problem is not much serious, that you have made it. Although, this could become a serious problem and it depends upon your future attitude and behavior. If your wife is not unfaithful to you and you also agreed about her faithfulness, then your behavior with her is not appropriate. The basis of that is on wrong imagination in spite of reality. This is basically an immature and extreme way of action. You are going to do injustice with your wife and treating her like a criminal. 

The love before marriage is totally different things as compared to the unfaithfulness. You have to keep this basic thing in your mind that she has neither born nor get nourishment as your wife. Also not you are an angel and not married with an angel. 

The period of youth is the time when sexual awareness aroused and boys and girls desire to be liked and loved by appropriate sex. I don't want to take the side and give arguments in favor of this love and romance business, however; there are the basic facts of human nature. Unfortunately in our society there is the double standard for men and women. Usually after marriage a woman feel more responsibility. She doesn't remain such a girl as she was before marriage. A woman remains faithful with her like and will and try to avoid unfaithfulness, otherwise who is there to look after her all the time and would prevent her from all types of gatherings and meetings. 

Lets suppose you would give the divorce to your wife and make the second marriage; then again there are strong chances that you would see this night mare again. Due to your negative and paranoid nature, you would remain unfaithful with any other woman. You are always having doubts on your wife. As you said you are in search of having mental satisfaction by changing your girl friend, and that is not obtained by you even in this condition. Believe that you would never attain mental satisfaction in this manner. Although you seem a true teller and conscience full person from your letter, however; you have attained revenging attitude sub-consciously. The thing in which you are involved is just sexual and mental luxuries. 

Your awkward behavior is the mirror image of your sexual inability. Your problem will be solved with out any medical treatment once your behavior would be changed. The thing you required is that to get rid of these doubts present in your mind and adopt the positive behavior with clean heart. After thinking fully over this matter with cool-mind if you will not be agreed for compromise then the only solution in your hand would be divorce, and it would be better as soon as possible. Since with the passage of time, the unfaithfulness would make the circumstances unbearable. In reality, you would not get satisfaction by the divorce; its long lasting bad impacts would affect every individual (concerned) including you as well. 

In my opinion, if you want to be happy then try to make others happy as well. Try to forgive your wife open-heartedly and try to forget what has happened with you. For its reversal, continuously give company and love to your wife. I want to remind you that love gives birth to love, however; hater always results in hater and nothing else. Forgiving some one is a sacred thing and it is a beneficent action.

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  Prof Arshad Javed Hypnotist and Clinical Psychologist  

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Last Updated 24th March 2015